Apples are great. But I know you wanna know which is the greatest.
As a three-a-day apple consumer for many years, I’ve often wondered what the world would look like if we had a definitive answer to this question. The apple dilemma has been at the heart of the most controversial scientific papers of the last century. Some of the finest minds in science have spent their best years on this issue, and we are still no further forward. Until today.
Okaaaay just kidding. About the science bit, that is. It is true, though, that the Great Apple Question is going to be answered RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. Are you ready for this?
I picked seven of the apples that have crossed my path most often over the years of apple consumption, and graded them on taste, appearance, social justice awareness, average weekly spend on cosmetics, and general coolness.
eight This isn’t really eighth place – it’s more of a Special Mention for the Warner’s King variety, which has the following description in Wikipedia’s list of apples:
Oblong and light green. Very tart. Do not attempt to eat out of hand.
If you didn’t know that was an apple being described, what would you think it was? And who are these people who describe apples as ‘oblong’? I have met an oblong apple exactly never. Please let me know in the comments if you regularly eat oblong apples.
seven In seventh place, or rather, last place in the world ever, the Russet. I mean…what is this thing? It is scratchy and lumpy and looks like a rough draft for an apple, before the finished coat got put on. It tastes like a pile of nothing air. Sort it out, apple growers.
six Cox apples are just never exactly what you want, are they? They’re small and invariably disappointing. [Insert faintly obscene joke here.] You think things might be ok, despite the slightly disappointing external appearance. But it’s all over too quickly, and they never call you the next day.
five I’ve never actually wanted to eat a Granny Smith by itself, in the pure apple form. Once I dated a guy who loved Granny Smiths but had to keep them in the fridge so he could…eat chilled apple, I guess? Reader, I dumped him. However, thin slices of Granny Smith + Gorgonzola on a Carr’s table water cracker = BOOM.
four So now we’re getting onto the apples that are actually part of my life on a regular basis; and these particular babies are probably the ones I eat most often. The Royal Gala variety is deeply misunderstood. Some say it’s a poor man’s Braeburn. I say it’s a relatively not-poor girl’s Cox. Or something.
three My first love! I ate several trillion Golden Delicious apples during my young years. In fact, it was with a Golden Delicious that I first learned one of my most important life lessons:
Don’t ever eat an apple at the same time as drinking a cup of tea. Worst. Taste. Ever.
two In second place – It’s Braeburn time! Yeah, you heard right. I know some of you wanted to see this in the top spot. And I’ll admit it: until a few years ago, I would have agreed. These are dependably awesome apples.
one Can I get a drum roll please? This, this right here, this is the best apple in the Wurrrrrld. This apple is sold in shrink wrapped packets of four perfect specimens. This apple is like a flawless meal all by itself. This apple has brains, good looks, and cheers you up when you’ve had a bad day. This apple is, if I may say so, da bomb.
It could only be the Pink Lady.
Now it’s time to do the It’s Nearly The Weekend dance. In the next few days I will mainly be eating Gala apples, losing hours of my life to Wikipedia rabbit holes, and trying to avoid big guys on the Bakerloo line. May your weekends be free of Russet apples, now and always.